How Do I Keep Working When I Don’t Feel Like It?

From the archive. First published February 2021.

I don’t feel good today.

I woke up late. Since my first cup of coffee at 11 in the morning, I have been avoiding my laptop. I am not too sick to type an article, but I would definitely have skipped this one if I hadn’t promised to publish a piece every day for 30 days.

I would have been done by now had I got to my desk on time.

On days like this, I begin to work only when the fear of not completing my tasks exceeds the fear of doing it perfectly. Most days that takes time.

Also, I am committed. I have told the internet about this 30-day challenge. It has been 10 days. I can’t give up this early. What would that say about me?

Philosophy says I am scared. Psychology says I am stuck in my personality type, and there is nothing I can do about it except work on my daily habits. Religion calls it a sin.

Let’s go through everything that can help me on this dull day. Let’s see what my lazy heart says.

On my writerly afternoon, I cup my chin in both hands, sit next to a window and stare into the void.

When someone asks me the high point of my day, I proudly tell them that I wasted three hours staring out of my window.

What might the problem be?

During these hours of idleness, I get a series of revelations about what kind of emotional procrastination I might be sinking into.

Sometimes I work out that my hours of laziness are the direct by-product of my chaotic personal life.

Or of the wrong food I have shoved into my mouth over the past few days.

It might just as well be the difficult conversation I am avoiding with my dad.

It could be my irregular bedtime. On most days, a good nap can solve almost anything.

It could be anything, and it won’t reveal itself to me unless I go looking for it.

So what is the solution?

I have been here before. One day in May 2018, in the middle of yet another attempt to fix a broken routine, I wrote my morning pages, about 1,300 words, went for a workout, and then finished a 1,300-word article. Add 250 words on mattresses and I had written around 3,000 words and used myself up. I couldn’t go back to the desk. I slept at five in the evening and kept going until nine, had dinner, and went back to sleep. That night I wrote in my journal that Nicolas Cole puts out around 10,000 words a day, and wondered how. Then I wrote the line I still remember: even after thousands of articles and thousands of hours of self-help books, I keep making the same mistake. I should first finish it, and then rest.

Rest after you finish and it counts. Rest before you start and it only delays the work.

My favourite excuse for putting off tasks is that I have already wasted a lot of time. I am already halfway through the day, and it seems impossible to pull off something important before the next morning.

All the time I spend looking out of the window leaves me with a pile of self-disgust that I later use to fuel my efforts.

In that way, I hardly ever waste any time. It also gives me enough fire to finish my task before the deadline.

Do I need to rest? Yes.

But should I skip this one and rest? No.

Should I abandon all my personal goals at the first sign of an unmotivated afternoon?

Definitely not.

“How bad do you want it,” the universe might be asking me through these lazy hours.

And this piece could partly be the answer.

“Bad enough.”

I promised myself I would stick to my 30-day writing challenge, and I am sticking to it.

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