Why Is Work-Life Balance So Hard, and What Can I Do?

From the archive. First published February 2021.

My father is a 56-year-old retired army officer. He was a Major in the Indian Army, a highly responsible position, and he served until 2014.

Depending on the day and the occasion, a man of his rank could be responsible for about 50 soldiers.

There were no defined working hours. The longer he was at work, the more respected the institution made him feel.

He was a tool contributing to a bigger tool that served to protect everyone else.

His work life was possible because he had an equally supportive home life.

When he was at work, he was mostly free of the demands of domestic life. The Army provided us, his family, with enough help for shopping, laundry and cleaning. Even his free time was spent socialising with people of similar rank. There were hardly any distractions.

A job like his demands a certain amount of effort and devotion. Had his professional life clashed with his domestic duties, his efficiency would certainly have suffered. Perhaps a mental breakdown, followed by long periods of resentment, the way it happens in our generation.

A good lesson from my father’s professional life is that we should not ask ourselves to do several complicated things at once.

I am 27. I regularly fail when I try to handle anything more than my struggling career as a writer.

The other day I missed my deadline because I had to be on a call for two hours with my sister, to support her with her new, bubbling miseries.

I did not miss my deadline because I lack drive. I don’t tag it as a personal failure. I do not accuse my distracted self and take it as a sign of inadequacy.

There are after-effects to actively engaging with someone else’s problem.

My professional and personal lives are sometimes at odds, and I can only get through it with sympathy. Self-sabotage doesn’t help.

We have all set our destination as a healthy work-life balance, a fantasy island we will never arrive at.

That in no way means we shouldn’t strive for balance. Here are a few things we can do.

In June 2020 I wrote in my journal that work had been my problem for ten years. I had always worked to live, and I filled the rest of my time with worry that I was doing nothing bigger than surviving.

The day before that entry I had done everything except work. So I decided to give the whole next day to work and let the relief of finishing pay for the other tasks. I called that my definition of happiness. The list had four items: one article, a note on Reddit, a few job applications and some Instagram posts.

I also wrote that you can’t think your way out of a mess. You have to get to a place where you can start thinking.

Ordering the day was where my balance began, so start there.

Let go of the fantasy.

The biggest issue is our false expectations. We set our targets without a foot in reality. We don’t think through the scenes.

The solution is to aim for the middle ground between our expectations and reality.

If we try to improve small things with all our honesty, there is a chance we might reach some form of balance.

Unplug from your devices.

Technology has made it impossible to have defined working hours.

That counts as a success story only if we ignore how it gradually conquered our private lives.

The idea is to make our quality time true quality time. Switch your phone off and save yourself from notifications.

Be more mindful.

A mind that has settled down is more present. We can include practices in our daily lives that benefit both our personal and our professional life.

For example, a morning routine with a session of meditation can hugely improve your decision-making.

Avoid the activities and people that drain you.

Start by identifying the important activities and people in your life. Then draw firm boundaries around them, so you can give your time according to your priorities.

The idea is to drive your life, and not to be driven like most people.

Take baby steps.

Start small, with breathing exercises, or by replacing alcohol with a healthier drink, or by making room for a quick meditation session in the morning.

We don’t have to jump the barrier on our first attempt. We fail when we take on too much too quickly. So start slow.

Experience small successes and build from there.

Both work and relationships, over a sustained period, can turn into helpful support systems.

At the same time, when we fail, we should meet it with sympathy. We are used to self-criticism, and it doesn’t help.

If this helped, subscribe to Yogic Productivity on Substack, where the Sunday post arrives by email. If you would like somewhere to think out loud, an Explorative Letter is a pen friend who writes back. And if you run a yoga or wellness brand and want content that sounds like you, let's talk.